thatwhitebitch:

Drake | Doing It Wrong

I left my phone number with a bartender on Friday night at an after work function because I was drunk and he was cute. I left my debit card with him as well, which I don’t remember, but he texted me the next day saying he had it. I was going to pick it up from him last night but plans fell through so we decided on a brunch today. After hours of no response this morning, I found out via a Facebook message at 5pm that he lost his phone last night. I was in Union Square when I got the message and he lived close so I walked to his apartment to pick it up. It was very awkward and he was hungover but also baking macaroons. I said “thank you.” Then I got on the train after I spent 20 minutes deciding whether I wanted to see a movie by myself in Union Square or I wanted to see a movie by myself near my apartment.

I stopped by Dylan’s Candy Bar before I went to the theatre to grab some gummies. They were $9. I walked to 66th and 2nd and opened the heavy glass door to the underground theatre. The teen working the box office informed me that I’d have to wait outside before he could let me in. No one else was waiting. I looked at my ex-boyfriend’s blog on my phone while I ate gummies as I sat on a step outside. I went in the wrong entrance when it was time to go in.

I purchased one ticket for “Like Crazy” and sat two-thirds of the way back in the middle of an empty row. The theatre began to fill in with a lot of different types of people, a lot of other people seeing the movie by themselves. One girl behind me was on the phone with her mom when she spotted a mouse or a rat scurrying down the aisle. The movie began shortly thereafter.

I watched this hour and a half movie about a couple who falls madly in love with each other while they’re in college, the way that only college kids can love each other. You love someone in college ignorant to the world waiting for you after a university deems that your critical thinking skills are sufficient enough to land you a productive job in the American workforce. And it was very sweet. And I teared up a few times. There are certain feelings you will never forget about the person you loved in college, if you were lucky enough to love a person in college.

As I walked home I thought about the filters that we pile onto our real feelings, both consciously and unconsciously, as the years pass. I thought about the fact that I consider myself a positive person but that the thoughts that filled the entirety of my day today were likely not congruent with that idea. I thought about how, no matter how many times I repeat the phrase “let go” in my head, it is very difficult for me — all these expectations we all carry about our lives and the people we want in them. It seems no one is ever good enough for anyone anymore. That, or I am completely in the dark as to what my value is. Where do you go to figure that out? How many bonus coins do I have? What am I allowed to ask for?

They portrayed your first true love very realistically in that movie. You’re bewildered at first. You’re drunk with this immense, hyper feeling and you are convinced that no one else in the world has any clue what the two of you are experiencing together. And you stay together or you don’t. Both are very hard.

You wonder if you’re jaded. You wonder if you’re too judgmental. You wonder if you’re just hanging with the wrong crowds. You wonder if there’s a group of people that you should be hanging with. You wonder if the window is closing. You wonder if you’re prepared to give up the often times beautiful unknown for the often times mundane security. You never thought you’d love being single so much. You never thought you’d miss being in a relationship so much. When you’re single, everything is a possibility. Every day is a possibility. So many options. You can always find a lower price, a newer make, less assembly.

You wonder if you only feel that immensity the first time.